


i only want what i can't have

by trainerlyra



Category: Subarashiki Kono Sekai | The World Ends With You
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Artistic Liberties, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Romance, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon, it's there on both sides but it's in josh's pov so you really gotta search for it lmao., neku wants to fist fight josh at hachiko and manages not to somehow, wrt neku's family life lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27535198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trainerlyra/pseuds/trainerlyra
Summary: Nobody could experience the world from someone else's point of view. What was once something that had tortured Neku had become something that gave him hope. What was once something that had never mattered to Joshua had become his sole point of focus over the last few months.
Relationships: Beat & Eri & Joshua & Neku & Rhyme & Shiki (TWEWY), Kiryu "Joshua" Yoshiya/Sakuraba Neku
Comments: 5
Kudos: 54





	i only want what i can't have

**Author's Note:**

> well this wasn't exactly what i was planning on writing for the past four days during nanowrimo, but it certainly is what it ended up becoming LOL
> 
> "write a friendship fic," my friends told me. "it'll be cute and wholesome," they said. "what if i wrote it from joshua's pov while he angsted," i said instead. and here we are lmao
> 
> extreme liberties were taken with neku's past, but his dead best friend is still referenced bc i love to torture him ig

It was his third week of watching Neku meet up with his friends at Hachiko, and Joshua still wasn't sure exactly what to do about it.

Going down and joining in was completely off the table, for so many different reasons. It wasn't even something he was willing to consider, no matter how many times Sanae encouraged him. But he couldn't find it in him to stop watching, either.

And it wasn't just his former proxy's weekly meet ups that he watched. More often than not, Joshua found himself watching Neku when he grew bored. Sometimes even by accident, he would wind up searching for his specific music and seeing how he was faring.

Was his second life treating him well? Had he learned how to be the person he wanted to be? Were things better, or worse, now that he knew the existence of the UG? How did he feel about the fact that Joshua had killed him and brought him back to life afterwards? Or about the fact that he hadn't shown up anywhere that Neku had invited him to?

Joshua knew he wasn't really ready to hear the answers on those last few questions, but they constantly popped up in his mind. It was easy enough, at first, to ignore it; ignore the odd fluffy of emotions that would make their way into his head whenever he looked at orange hair without headphones holding it in place anymore. Or the way Neku would frown when he sat alone in Ramen Don, as if he were waiting for someone else to join him.

Of course, he was, but Joshua wouldn't even let himself consider the possibility.

Neku was in the RG. Despite everything that had happened, he was granted the gift of a second life. As were his friends. They no longer had anything to do with the UG or its affairs, regardless of how attuned to it some of them still were. The ones called Beat and Shiki maybe less so, but Rhyme had existed as Noise, and Neku was special. Of _course_ they would stay far more aware than any normal person would.

But that didn't mean that he should start appearing and interring again. No matter how many times Neku extended an invitation to the open air, Joshua refused to respond. He wasn't a man of mercy very often, but staying out of Neku's - and all of his friend's - life was the smallest mercy he could afford them.

They deserved to move on. He'd given them Shibuya back for that purpose, after all. Like all his decisions, it had been a bit impulsive, but that didn't mean that Joshua hadn't thought about it at all. His time with Neku had, regrettably, changed him somewhat. It was rare that he felt like _anyone_ could have any impact on him, and rarer still that it would be a lasting one. The last time he remembered that was meeting Sanae, and he knew how that turned out.

A gun, pressed to his forehead, and blood on the wall. He'd never once looked back, but it wasn't exactly a pleasant memory, dying.

"He's not showing up today, Neku," Joshua could hear Shiki gently console him, patting him lightly on the shoulder. "Maybe next time? We should get going before it gets dark."

It was getting darker earlier as summer turned into fall, and from what Joshua had gathered the four of them were off to do some light shopping for the evening. He tried not to pay too much attention to the way Neku's face very obviously fell, and tried not to berate himself for not swooping down there and changing it into a very different expression.

Joshua had always been the masochistic sort, anyways. Watching Neku be sad because of him, watching Neku enjoy life with his friends… Both of those experiences elicited the same feelings within him, and he still wasn't quite sure how to deal with it.

With a sigh, he tuned himself high enough that he would be invisible even to the majority of the UG. He was in no mood to see any of his underlings, nor Sanae, at the moment. _Brooding_ , one might call it, if anyone felt like making him even more miserable.

Joshua wasn't a _brooder_. He didn't dwell, he didn't let things get the best of him. He continued on as he always did; trying to find what he could to ease the boredom. But here he was, spending his days watching a boy miss him instead of anything useful.

No wonder Sanae was getting fed up.

Sighing, he decided he'd at least do something with his time. Maybe something that would let Neku know he was, in fact, watching, without having to compromise his decision to stay out of his life entirely. Something stupid and small, like a perfect sale, or finding the last CD or something like that. Something that people in the RG would get excited about. He didn't know.

It was a little selfish, he'd admit; not wanting Neku to forget about him, but not wanting to be a part of his life. Joshua felt somewhat like a petulant child. That didn't make it any easier to shake the feelings, though. Genuinely, he wanted Neku to live and enjoy his time in the RG. He'd changed enough to acknowledge _that_.

But Neku moving past him, while

* * *

Watching Neku interact with his friends over time was an interesting experience. The growth he'd had from the Game was apparent in his every action, but it was clear that he wasn't used to interacting with people on this level still. For the first few weeks after the game, Neku often let the people around him lead the conversation, looking like he was struggling to keep up sometimes.

While Beat didn't really catch on, Rhyme and Shiki had, and quickly started asking him questions directly to keep him on the same page. To most people, it would've probably been heartwarming to see such a kind and thoughtful group of friends. Joshua wasn't sure if he appreciated how much they cared for his former proxy or if it irritated him that they had to do such a thing in the first place.

During their week together in the Game, Joshua and Neku had no trouble holding conversations. Their talks about philosophy had been some of the most engaging Joshua had experienced in years. Neku was thoughtful, and ever changing - what was initially a person who saw the world with a very bitter view had turned into a person full of hope and wonder for the differences in others. No longer did the idea that nobody would ever understand him, nor would he ever understand another person hold him back. Instead, it was if that very same thought propelled him forward, and encouraged him to expand his views and world.

As Sanae had told him, _the world ends with you_. _You gotta expand your world._

Of course, Joshua could argue with himself, that was when the two of them were alone together. As partners, they had a lot of time where nobody else could possibly intrude on their conversations. When Neku was out with his friends, it was a group of people, where the conversation could go a completely different direction than he might be expecting.

But part of him very much so wanted to imagine that the relationship he had with Neku was different. He still refused, three months later, to show up no matter how badly Neku thought about it, but even those thoughts were starting to happen a little less often. The thought made his heart feel like it instead had found a home at the bottom of his stomach.

On those days, Joshua did a little bit more around Neku's world; having him find yen on the ground, getting his teachers to skip over an assignment he did poorly on, having him grab the last melon bread from the school store.

Little things, Joshua told himself, that wouldn't make Neku question things _too_ much but would still hold the sentiment. _Don't forget about me. I'm still thinking of you, too._

On those days, he wondered if what Sanae thought had any merit whatsoever. If that maybe he _should_ just go ahead and meet up with him at Hachiko one Sunday afternoon, joining him and the rest for their weekly hangouts and finally allowing himself to live in their world. If only for one afternoon a week.

But he was the Composer. He had already taken - and given - too much from all of them, most of all the one he missed the most.

That day, they were eating at Sunshine, laughing together as Neku and Beat threw fries at each other over the table for some reason or another. They were talking about a group project that he and Shiki were involved in together, and while Rhyme was trying to give proper constructive criticism, Beat was trying to make it as difficult as possible for them to focus.

It was, for all intents and purposes, a very usual scene. Three high schoolers and one sibling, talking about normal things, having a normal lunch together. Nobody would've ever spared them a second thought had they walked by and seen them. Nobody would've ever known the four of them had met during the most turbulent times of their lives - afterlives - and that their bond was forged through the fire of fighting for their very right to have these sorts of moments.

Nobody would ever know that Neku had lost the final fight, but that he had impacted the Composer enough to make him change his mind, anyways.

It was their little secret. The last part, even, just a secret between he and Neku. Joshua doubted that Neku had ever, or would ever, tell his friends of their final Game, and of his loss. That was fine by him. Having something that just the two of them shared… it was nice, in a way.

Some nights, loathe as he was to admit it, it's something that kept Joshua sane. Not speaking with Neku was harder than he cared to think about, and knowing that Neku still held him in high enough regard to not out him as his twice-over murderer was a kindness he was sure he really didn't deserve.

As the friends parted ways after their lunch at Sunshine, Joshua continued tailing after Neku, content for the moment to just watch him exist in his own universe. While his general outlook on the world around him had changed drastically thanks to the Game, his comfort in Shibuya had only grown. He still smiled every time he passed CAT's tags, just a little wider. Instead of wearing headphones, he now bobbed his head to the music of Shibuya, which Joshua was sure he could hear, if only a little.

And instead of looking down at his feet as he walked, walling himself out from everyone, he now looked straight ahead towards the future.

* * *

In the past, Neku's school days had looked something like this:

He'd get into school after a walk in with his headphones, put his headphones around his neck until the very second he could put them on again, and he would doodle all over his homework with potential tags or wall pieces he could paint on the next Sunday he was able, and then he'd go home and wish the days would just end as he listened to music and looked up new CAT pieces.

His social life had been nonexistent back then; Neku preferring to keep exclusively to himself in fear of being hurt. It stemmed, Joshua had seen, from a lack of love from his remaining parent: when his mother had died in childbirth, it had clearly taken something out of his father when she departed. He was not a good father, but not a bad one, either - doing the very bare necessitates of what was expected, never giving Neku much love or attention unless they were speaking of his deceased mother. Neku was not stupid, even as a child, and had quickly grown to understand the dangers of growing close to another person. So instead, he chose to keep himself away, making sure he could never get hurt the way that his father had.

And also, in turn, making sure he could never grow to love the way that his father did. There were two sides to every coin, of course.

As if to prove that very fact, the world had gifted Neku a friend. But of course, the world was cruel, and for giving Neku a reason to maybe move past his father's upbringing, that friend was taken away. He had watched, utterly helpless, as a car had slammed into him on the street. Had watched as they took his body away on a stretcher. Had sat in the hospital, quiet and afraid with his friend's parents, waiting, waiting, waiting. 

It was almost as if the universe was telling him, _your father was right. The world is too scary, too easy to be hurt._

What Neku's days looked like after the Game, however, were something completely different. He'd found out that both Shiki and Eri shared classes with him, and while Beat did not, he still attended the same school. Rhyme was below them in grades, but because of her brother, it was easy to find her, as well.

And just like that, his world had blossomed right in front of him, and Joshua wasn't sure whether he was happy or hated watching it. The more time passed, the closer he became to everyone. On top of that, the more willing he was to actively make new friends, or at the very least, hold conversations with people. He and Eri, for example, weren't particularly close, but they still spoke regularly. Sometimes without Shiki's interference.

It was a far cry from the proxy he had picked for himself, but Joshua knew that had been part of his appeal from the very beginning. Unlike him, Neku was still alive. He was still breathing, still moving, still had the ability to change things for himself.

Joshua was frozen in time; forever stuck as the fifteen year old bored of the world and ready to die. His cruelty had only further developed as time went on as Composer, realizing that nothing he did _mattered_. Shibuya would always be Shibuya, and there wasn't a way to fix it. To do so would require the people themselves to change.

He had thought it impossible. For years, he'd watched the city go from something interesting and ever changing to routine and bland. The music that had once captivated him as a human had grown stale. Nothing he did seemed to make a difference. None of the Games he attempted to play, none of the Conductors he put in play, not even Sanae's energy could change the declining love the people themselves had for the city.

Until Neku. Neku, and his too bright soul, with his too bright Imagination - so bright it blinded him, more so now then ever. While Neku had contained his soul in his own despair and dissonance with the world, now, he allowed it to shine the way it was meant to.

It was as mesmerizing to him now as it was horrible to watch.

Because the more light Neku let in, the more he allowed to change the people around him, the farther he got from Joshua's grasp.

And of course, the farther he got away from Joshua, the less he thought about him at all. In fact, it had been almost a month since the last time Neku had attempted to contact him via his thoughts. It stung, more then he would've ever expected.

He was the _Composer_ , and here he was, pining for the thoughts of a boy he hadn't cared to talk to in a year. Yes, it was partially for his own good. Yes, it was also because Joshua had no idea how to even broach that first conversation, or what he would even say - not that it really mattered, he supposed, because regardless of Neku's kind thoughts towards him, he should hate him. He should want him to stay away.

And for the first time, the fear of being told that kept him to himself.

But it was growing agonizing; no longer even having Neku's thoughts to keep him going. Before, some nights he would pathetically watch the other boy's dreams, relishing in the fact that he still wanted something from him at all.

Now, there was nothing at all. Radio silence. Even Neku's little band of idiots had noticed, not sure whether they should bring it up and talk to him about the sudden shift or whether they should just be grateful their friend was starting to move on. Shiki, especially, struggled, as she had seen something the others had not as Neku's closest confidant.

If even his friends had noticed the shift, Joshua knew this change was big. And talking to Sanae about it had left him at the same conclusion: that Neku was, in fact, forgetting about him. Slowly but surely.

Of course, that wouldn't do. As much as he hated himself for it, Joshua knew that he couldn't let that go. He couldn't let _Neku_ go without… something. Anything.

* * *

In all honesty, Joshua knew this wouldn't go well. Stepping out from behind Hachiko, he knew it from the moment Neku and his friends were in his line of sight. It had been almost a full year since the last time they'd interacted - really interacted, not like the petty or little interferences Joshua created over time - and he hadn't exactly made an effort to explain to Neku _why_ he had taken a year to come and finally say hello.

Especially when part of the reason he finally did was because Neku hadn't asked him in four weeks straight. It was incredibly impulsive, and he could fully understand why Sanae was completely done trying to talk sense into him at that moment. The _only_ reason he'd broken his own rules that he'd set for himself was the ache that shook him to the very core when he realized that Neku wasn't just moving on from the Game, but moving on from _him_.

Before he could even lift his hand to wave, Neku started shaking his head. "No," he started with, and Joshua stopped in his tracks. "No, no, no, no."

His friends all shifted, seeming to understand that this wasn't their place to interfere. Joshua wished, at that moment, for their understanding of boundaries. But now that he was there, there was no turning back.

"I thought you'd be a little happier to see me, dear," Joshua said, forcing his voice into the obnoxious lilt Neku was used to. If he were an honest person, he might just cry. He might just tell Neku that he was sorry, and that he'd missed him, and that he didn't want to be forgotten again.

But he was not many nice things, least of all honest, so he did not.

Neku's light frown turned into a scowl, and his eyes narrowed dangerously. "Absolutely _fuck you_ ," he spit out, crossing the distance between them to give him a quick shove. "Don't start with that shit. Get out."

Joshua raised a single eyebrow. Even if Neku was beyond furious, it was nice, in some sick way, to be speaking with him at all. To hear his music so clearly, so near to him, and to have all of that emotion directed at him.

Even if it wasn't exactly _good_ emotion. "We're already outside, you realize." Joshua brushed off the nonexistent dirt from where Neku had shoved him for good measure.

He didn't think he'd ever seen Neku this angry before. Not even when he killed him. Not even when he'd pointed a gun at him for the second time, smiling down the barrel as Neku cried for both him and the situation itself.

Neku grabbed the collar of his shirt, bringing him in close before shoving him harder this time. The people bustling around Hachiko were naturally moving to give them space, only a few curious eyes looking for more than a moment. Joshua considered making them a little more oblivious to give them space, but somehow, he thought Neku would hate that even more than causing a scene in the middle of Shibuya.

"Then get out of my face! My _life_! You think I'm stupid or something?" Neku swore, balling his fists at his side. Likely in an attempt not to just punch Joshua. "The moment I start to move past thinking about you _every fucking day_ , you show up. I'm not an _idiot_ ," he seethed, stepping in close enough that Joshua could feel his breath fan out over his face. "I'm not a toy for you to play with. Something you can just keep on a _leash_. You gave me my life back, so I intend to use it. _Not thinking about you."_

For a long, long moment, Joshua didn't say anything. He was an expert at keeping his emotions off of his face and in his back pocket, but even he didn't have the strength to stop the wince at Neku's anger.

Oh, he had known. He had known from the moment he hadn't shown up at that first meeting that he was only making Neku angry. He had known that with every little thing he did, with every day that he kept away from him, he was only succeeding pushing him away when the day came that he could no longer stay out of Neku's life. Because he had known; he would've had to be a fool not to know that he wasn't strong enough to stay away forever.

That the moment, as Neku had so kindly pointed out, that Neku had begun to move on, Joshua's resolve to do better would crumble.

And it had. Look where that had gotten him.

Finally, Joshua laughed. Not his usual light hearted giggle, but an honest to god, bordering on manic laughter. And even if he tried to hide them, he was sure the tears pricking at his eyes were visible for all to see. Shiki, Beat, and Rhyme, all had varying levels of horror and surprise showing on their faces at Neku and his confrontation, but he really couldn't care less at this point what they thought of him. Not that he ever had before.

Neku, however, looked surprised for a fraction of a second before he just looked pissed again. "No," he repeated, shaking his head violently. "No, you don't get to pretend that you've been _hurting_ , that somehow, I'm making you _upset_ for rightfully being pissed at you-"

" _I_ don't get to be upset?" Joshua cut him off, his laughter halting in an instant. "You have _no idea_ what you're talking about, Neku. Not even a little." He was upset, yes. He was rightfully pissed off, too, at the idea that Neku thought that he had any control over him and his emotions.

Maybe he did have a point, somewhere in there, that it was a little bit rude of him to be so obvious about his feelings. But it's not like Neku could really understand. He was the Composer. He'd been existing for longer than Neku had been alive, for longer than his parents, even. He'd been lonely and forgotten and the last person who he'd allowed close to him had been Kitanijiand everyone there knew how _that_ turned out.

Neku had killed him, the same way he'd killed Neku.

And yes, Joshua knew he wasn't perfect in this situation. In most, honestly. He was selfish. He was cruel. He wasn't _human_ , and that was the part that Neku was still missing, somehow. He hadn't been human in decades. Instead, he'd existed on a completely separate plane of reality, as an overseer of an entire overpopulated ward of Tokyo.

For the first time in decades, though, Neku had made him _feel something_. Neku had made him happy. Made him want to pretend to be human, just for a little while. Neku had made him feel like he wasn't alone in the universe anymore, though that couldn't have been farther from the truth.

He was always alone. And clearly, he always would be. Whether by his own design or not.

"Maybe I don't have any idea," Neku said, deadly quiet, "because you don't talk to me. Because you _won't_ talk to me."

"What good would that have done?" Joshua asked honestly. "Would it have changed anything if I had?" He didn't think it would have. Neku wouldn't have understood, anyways - not just because they were too different, as a Composer and an ordinary person, but because as he once said, understanding other people was impossible.

Nobody could experience the world from someone else's point of view. What was once something that had tortured Neku had become something that gave him hope. What was once something that had never mattered to Joshua had become his sole point of focus over the last few months.

No matter how badly he wanted him to, the other boy would never truly understand. Not just his reasoning for everything in the last year, but him, in general. The lie that Neku had understood him was just that: a lie. A lie he had fallen for hook, line, and sinker.

He was just as pathetic as the people he ruled over. He almost laughed again.

Something must've shown on his face a little more strongly than Joshua had meant to, because the longer he looked at Neku, the more the anger started to seep from his body. No longer shaking, no longer gripping his fists so tightly that he risked puncturing his palms with his nails. Now, Neku just looked sad.

Part of Joshua wanted to reach out, see what was going on inside that head of his, but he refrained. Neku likely wouldn't have appreciated that very much, at the moment.

"It would've changed a lot of things, Josh," Neku finally spoke again, looking down at his shoes. "Probably would've changed today, at least."

Joshua scoffed. "I shouldn't have come," he said, already gearing up to turn around. "You don't have to worry about me interfering in your life any longer, Neku dearest. This is where we part ways."

Of course, he wouldn't stop watching over Neku. And probably his little merry band of idiots, too. Joshua had become dangerously fond of them over the last year, and of course, his feelings for Neku were something else entirely. He'd just finally have to learn to let go, it seemed. He knew when he wasn't wanted.

As he turned around to leave, Neku snagged him by the wrist. "No," he said, the word sounding much different then it had earlier. "No, you don't get to just walk out like that. You have to learn to take responsibility, you asshole." The swear had a hint of fondness in it, Joshua thought, but he wasn't sure if he was just imagining it or not. Better to not make assumptions for the time being.

Sighing, Joshua refused to turn around. He knew that the moment he looked at Neku, he would be unable to refuse anything the other boy asked of him. "Not too long ago, you had asked me to leave," he reminded him. "I was intending on doing what you had asked of me."

"You should come get lunch with us," Rhyme interjected, speaking up for the first time since his unexpected arrival. "I would like that."

From next to her, her older brother nodded at once. "Yeah, man." Joshua still refused to turn around, but he had a feeling Beat was wearing one of those grins of his.

Shiki, taking a second to collect herself, eventually joined in as well. "I don't really know what happened between you guys," she said, sounding a little unsure of herself. "But I think it'd be better if you tried to work it out. You two were partners, you know? You should be friends."

Maybe she wouldn't be saying that if she knew he had killed Neku not once, but twice. He opened his mouth to say such a thing, but Neku cut him off. "Come get lunch, and we'll finish this afterwards," he agreed, squeezing his arm for a split second before letting go, trusting that he wouldn't run off.

It was really incredible, Joshua thought, that Neku could still stand to trust him after everything. Maybe he didn't forgive him, but he still trusted him. Still wanted him in his life, enough to keep him from running off despite asking him to earlier. After all these years, he still didn't understand the whims of people, despite having been one himself for a little while.

To be fair to himself, he had always been different. In flashes, he remembered having the Sight, he remembered a gun Sanae had given him, he remembers pulling the trigger -

"If I must," he said after a moment, interrupting his own thoughts. No use getting caught up in the past, after all. "But I suggest we go to Ramen Don, if I am to accompany you anywhere. It's been quite awhile since I've had one of his new specials."

He was being purposefully difficult, he knew, but that was alright. It was what they were signing up for. When the group smiled at him unabashedly, even _Neku_ , whose depressing demeanor had finally given way to something much brighter, Joshua knew he was making the right choice.

For once.

* * *

The whole day was spent in probably the most awkward fashion Joshua could remember. He was mostly unaffected, but the entire time, the conversation would cut off and stilt randomly, only for it to pick up just as suddenly again. Ken Doi was ecstatic to see him, and thankfully filled some of those awkward silences with questions that Joshua wasn't quite sure how to answer.

He had never put much thought into making up a fake human life for himself while he was in the RG. Usually, he just ended up speaking of his _real_ life, but he had no real reason for why he had been gone for such a long time. At least, not one that would make sense to Ken Doi, a permanent resident of the RG who had no idea what the UG was.

Somehow, Rhyme had caught on quickly, and filled in for him. "He was studying abroad in America," she said, nudging him gently with her elbow. "He's too smart for his own good, you know?" She laughed, and the rest of his group laughed with her, albeit a little uneasily.

If Ken Doi noticed, he didn't mention it. "Well, it's good to see you again," he said, grinning down at him. "You best come back soon, you hear?" It was such a genuine request that Joshua couldn't help but agree, even if he had little intention of following through.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. Regardless of how the rest of the day went, he _had_ missed the best bowl of ramen in Shibuya. Nobody quite made it like Ramen Don.

* * *

They were back at Hachiko before he knew it, and Joshua wasn't sure if he should just disappear of if he should actually stick around. Nothing was really making much sense to him - the group pretended that this was a totally normal inclusion, for the most part, and had expressed to him that they were glad he was able to join them. Neku, for the most part, had waffled somewhere in between.

Sometimes, he would get caught up in the moment, and the way they interacted was just like back when they were in the Game and partners again. Then it was like reality caught up to him and he'd clam up, forgetting who, exactly, he was bickering with. It left Joshua more confused then where he'd started, honestly.

Did Neku still want anything from him? Friendship? _More_ , like he would sometimes see in his dreams on late, sleepless nights when Joshua was missing him more than usual? Did he still want to talk, did he still want to hear what had happened, did he still trust him?

Would he ever forgive him?

Everything hung heavy in his head, each question dropping another thousand tons onto his heart. The guilt was eating him alive, and that confused him most of all. How long had it been since he genuinely felt that way about anyone, or anything for that matter? _Maybe_ Kitaniji, but that had been because of Neku, too.

Everything seemed to point back to him, with his orange hair and his smile that could light up the darkest parts of the city. The world too, probably, though Joshua couldn't exactly test that.

"Hey, do you guys mind if we split here?" Neku asked, pulling Joshua out of his reverie. "I still need to talk to Josh, and don't wanna subject you guys to that." He laughed a little, but it was shaky.

He wasn't the only one who noticed. Shiki looked at him with wide eyes, but she must've seen something Joshua couldn't, because she quickly nodded. "Okay, got it," she said, giving him a smile.

Though she had given up her appearance during her stint in the Game, it was clear she'd become much more comfortable with herself now. Maybe because of it. _See_ , he wanted to point out. _My Game isn't all bad. Look at how much good it did for all of you_ , but he knew that would all be moot.

Because the trauma had still happened. The dying, the fighting for their lives, the part where Joshua had shot him _again_ , it was all still real. And to humans, people with limited lifespans, the good didn't always outweigh the bad, he knew.

"We'll see you soon, dude," Beat said, giving Neku a clap on the shoulder before bringing out his board. Rhyme whispered something to Neku as well, but Joshua was polite - for once - and didn't listen in. Whatever it was, it made Neku nod solemnly, which concerned him immensely.

Before he knew it, the small group had dissipated, leaving he and Neku alone together. "This is nostalgic," Joshua commented, nodding at him. "The two of us alone in Shibuya. Brings back some wonderful memories, wouldn't you say?"

Neku didn't take the bait, surprising him. "Let's go somewhere to talk," was all he said, and the gravity of the situation finally dawned on Joshua.

It was funny, honestly. He was Shibuya's Composer. Essentially its God; of both the city, and the people themselves. The things he dealt with on a routine basis were of much greater importance then one living boy wanting to talk about _feelings_ , but for whatever reason, it seemed like the most important thing in the world in that moment.

He wondered if part of it was the span of Neku's Imagination. It was so vivid, so deep, that it seemed like Shibuya itself had put stock into this child's life. Everywhere he went, Joshua had noticed, the city wanted to be with him, to lift him up. Some of the things were Joshua's doing, yes, but there had been plenty of small lucks that Neku had encountered that were the city itself.

But he knew that putting it all on his importance to Shibuya was a fool's errand. That would be denying everything up until now, every feeling he'd repressed or let himself feel. Neku's feelings, Neku's well being mattered to him, and the reality was that he had done something to hurt him. It was a rarity that Joshua felt bad for any of his actions, but the remorse he felt in that moment was very real.

"Dead God's Pad is very empty right now," Joshua replied, already turning to begin the trek to the Shibuya River.

He didn't wait for Neku, but he could hear his footsteps behind him, until Joshua had moved them both into the UG frequency.

Then all was quiet, and Joshua was left alone with his thoughts.

* * *

"You wanted to talk," Joshua said, gesturing to Neku with a wave, "so talk, dear."

They were standing in the Dead God's Pad, both of them refusing to sit on the plush couch for some reason. Neku, probably because he was uncomfortable, but Joshua wasn't honestly too sure for himself. He didn't exactly have the luxury of analyzing himself at the moment, either.

The room hadn't changed much since the last time Neku had been there, but the other boy kept looking around like he was taking his time taking in the details. In his defense, there had been a lot going on the last time he'd stepped foot in there, but Joshua wasn't quite sure what was so interesting about the place. He barely spent any time there as it was.

"You know, I used to come here after school," Neku started, surprising Joshua enough for his lips to part ever so slightly. "I would wait by the Shibuya River, hoping that you'd open up and we could talk things out. Since you wouldn't respond to me at all, or show up at Hachiko no matter how many times I asked. I went to Wild Kat, too, but you were never there. You were never anywhere."

Joshua nodded slowly. "I did try to make myself scarce, yes," he agreed, sounding everything out as if talking to a baby.

Neku scowled, but he didn't seem to have the burning anger in him from earlier. Maybe it had all been smoked out at Hachiko. "Yeah, I noticed," he snorted, shoving his hands in his pockets. "But I didn't stop hoping for months. And then all that I really needed to do was stop asking and you show up? What gives?" His eyes narrowed as he spoke, but still held none of the venom they had previously.

They were feet apart, but Joshua almost felt claustrophobic with how the conversation was going. He knew, in order to have Neku in his life, he needed to be honest, but it was a foreign concept at this point. The openness of the room suddenly seemed like it was closing in on him; trapping him in a cage of his own emotions that were clawing themselves to the surface.

"I didn't want to be involved in your life," he finally told him, trying to be honest. "You deserved a chance to be normal." It wasn't the whole of it, but it was a start, he supposed.

"As if anything could be normal after the Game," Neku replied, shaking his head. "You didn't take our memories. I couldn't exactly _be_ normal remembering that I died, and with my new and improved eyesight."

Truthfully, Joshua should've been expecting that answer. He really hadn't exactly made it easy for Neku to move on and be normal, even if it _was_ something he had considered and wanted. Sanae had encouraged him to just drop it, but he couldn't. The idea that he was ruining another being's life - one that had changed him so profoundly - was something that didn't sit well with him.

Likely _because_ of the way he had been changed, but that was besides the point.

"What do you want me to say?" He asked, eyes narrowing. "You wanted me to talk, to, ah, confess my sins or what have you, and you won't even take me at face value. What happened to trusting your partner, hm?" Joshua crossed his arms tightly over his chest, allowing the familiar feeling of anger to keep him from falling back into guilt.

Unlike Neku, Joshua's anger had never been quite so potent. It was explosive when he needed it to be, but it trickled out rather than poured. It built and built and built until there was none of it left, and it had slowly taken over everything in its path.

Unfortunately for him, Neku did not seem to realize that. And if he did, he did not care. "How can I trust you when you're not honest?" Neku shot back. "You want trust? You want to actually have me move on? I'll give you one last chance. Talk, or you'll regret the fact I didn't shoot that day." His words were just as angry, but he quickly softened as he realized what he had just said.

Even Neku winced at his own words, but Joshua had already been expecting it. All seeing, and all that. "It's fine if you do," he said, shrugging. His words cut through the air like a knife. "I regret it too, you know. Dying wasn't fun the first time around, but I imagine a more permanent one would've been a little more enjoyable. You can take another stab at it, if you'd like." A wave of his hand, and his gun had materialized in it. He held it out for Neku to take, and it hung heavy in the space between them.

And maybe he had wanted to see it, Neku stepping back away from it instead of towards it. Maybe he wanted to see the look of shock that passed through Neku's eyes, the concern that undoubtedly made itself at home, even if for just a fleeting moment in time. Maybe he had, once again, done something awful for purely selfish reasons. It wouldn't have surprised him.

"What the _fuck_ ," Neku shouted, frantically waving his arms. "Stop, Josh. _Stop_. This is exactly the problem!" He frowned deeply, a far cry from his angry expressions earlier. "I just want to be your _friend_ , I don't want any of this. I'm so sick of all the bullshit. I just wanted to talk, after those few weeks, and…" He trailed off, slumping his shoulders. "Whatever. This was stupid. I should go."

He took another step backwards, and then a third, before Joshua finally realized what, exactly, was at stake there.

This time,he knew, if he lost Neku, he would lose him forever. That agonizing fear that sprawled in his gut; the fear that he would once again lose the person he wanted to keep. Without thinking, the gun disappeared from his hand, and he reached out to grab Neku's wrist in a mirror of earlier.

"I'm… sorry." He stumbled over the word. Partially because he wasn't at all used to speaking it, but also because he wasn't sure if the situation was fixable anymore. The thought that it wasn't was nearly paralyzing in a way he hadn't expected it to be. "I… it's true I didn't want to be a part of your life, but I am a selfish creature by nature. The thought of letting you go completely was difficult. So I continued to try and force myself on you in smaller, less intrusive ways."

It had been a long time since he had spilled his guts to someone that wasn't Sanae or Kitaniji. But Joshua found that now that he started, he had little chance of stopping. With his fingers wrapped around Neku's wrist tightly, almost like a shackle, he continued.

"I killed myself, when I was a child," he said, but didn't pause despite the way Neku's mouth fell open into a gasp. "Because I was alone. I always had the Sight, that wasn't a lie, and Sanae provided me with the means to escape my boring, restless life. For decades, he and Kitaniji were all I truly. And you were a bright, cosmic soul. One whose music was similar to mine." He paused, taking a deep breath, but didn't stop. "But the years of being ostracized as a human, and the many years I've spent as something else entirely, have left me quite detached.

"I am not good at this," he gestured between the two of them, a self deprecating smile splitting his face. "I do not know how to be good at this. That is why I did not want to be a part of your life. You had grown so far past me during your weeks in my Game, I no longer have claim on your soul. You are free to hate me. Free to leave the UG behind you forevermore. In fact, I encourage you to do so. Say the word, and you really won't ever see me again. I can promise you that."

It was, in all likelihood, the most brutally honest about himself he'd been _since_ the night with Sanae that ended with his blood on the walls and him stepping outside of his body. Surprisingly, it felt better then he expected, but the guilt he lived with daily quickly smothered it.

He let go of Neku's wrist, the final tether between them breaking.

But Neku did not move away. Instead, Neku moved _in_ , circling his arms around Joshua's back. They were so close that he could feel Neku's heart beating his chest, could feel the pulsing of his blood through his veins, the things that made him _human_.

"You're an asshole," Neku said quietly, his lips brushing against Joshua's ear. "You're an absolute fucking asshole, but you're my friend. You're my partner. I want you to be those things, even though you're really the absolute worst." He chuckled, then, and the music that was erupting from his soul was the most beautiful Joshua had ever heard.

Slowly, with all the delicacy he could muster, Joshua wrapped his arms around Neku, pulling him in closer. "I don't deserve you," he whispered, honestly. His heart - if he even still had one - felt light with the way Neku's music was flooding into him. He felt almost giddy.

Neku shook his head, and Joshua could feel the way his hair moved against him as he did so. "Nobody deserves anything," he replied. "It's not about that. Never has been."

Just this once, Joshua could stand to be wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> anyways the title is from _[from now on we are enemies](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnWGlZfAOPc)_ by fall out boy, which is THE joshneku song. it's what set the tone for this whole fic. yahoo. also sorry about any grammatical errors, nanowrimo is not exactly kind and spell check only catches so much. i'll come fix it at a later date when i don't feel like i need to sleep for a thousand years lol.
> 
> super big shoutout to red, lena, and dina, for dragging me further into twewy hell, and also big shoutout to them + jo and rowan and, ofc, kyle, for supporting me and cheering me on as i continue to torture myself with nano.
> 
> thanks for reading as always and see y'all next time!!!!!


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